Tick Tock

I hate waiting! I am such an impatient person. I guess that's justice though, right? Wait your turn! I have a ton of random thoughts running through my head right now, so try and keep up.

Anyways, we are considering doing in-vitro in September of 2010. I have been warned by my doctor that because my uterus is in good condition all the embryos could stick!!! I haven't quite figured out how I feel about that, but Jonathan seems optimistic. I just can't imagine what I would do with triplets. Can you imagine!? I know it would be hectic, but its not like I know how to do anything the easy way.

On another note, Jonathan and I are hosting our very first family Christmas party. I am a little worried, but I am sure it will work out. We are going to have dinner, do the gift exchange. I am sure someone will end up doing karaoke. This weekend we will be spending most of our time preparing for the party. Cleaning, rearranging furniture, baking. You know, the basics. I am really nervous about hosting something like this.

The puppies are getting so big. We cleaned out what is supposed to be a nursery, and turned it into our dogs room. Lol. They have their own bed, and they love it. It was a little bittersweet though. Its like, I know what I want to be in here, and I also know I shouldn't be wasting the space.

That's all I have for now. I hope everyone has a fun and safe holiday, and enjoy this time with your families. :)

Always,
ENB

Happy Holidays.

Well, sadly I have not even a tiny little bit of good news to put forward on the baby stuff. :( The 200mgs of Clomid didn't work. They suggested I try injectables. I am not too fond of the idea, and I let them know that. They said next cycle I would be taking 250mgs on days 3-12. Oh dear. I am worried. That is highest legal dose of that medication. I have no idea what is going to happen. I know that 200mgs made me dizzy and violent. I can only imagine that the 250mgs for longer would make it worse. So, we decided to take a break for now. 2-3 months off. With Christmas just around the corner, and then Jonathan's birthday and Valentine's day (Our second as a married couple. :D) its just better to take some time off.

Gaby's puppies are getting so big. It is crazy how fast they grew up. I think we will actually be able to sell this whole litter. :) Thank goodness.

I hope everyones holidays are looking good. We are hosting our very first Christmas Eve party at our house, and I couldn't be more nervous about it. Its for Jonathan's dad's side of the family. Oh, the fun we will have.

I watched my nephew overnight over the weekend. Deagan is 15 months old now, and just so full of energy. The 3 of us had a great time. Here is the pictures I took of me and Deagan while Uncle Jonathan went to McDonald's. :)













Well, that is my update for now. I hope everyone enjoyed it. Everyone have a great holidays.

Where should I start?

Well, I realize I haven't posted since August 10th. So many things have happened since then. I have no clue where to start. As of today, I am not pregnant...yet. But let's back track a little.

I went to see Dr. Burwinkel on August 18th. I was put on Metformin, and told I had to go on a low carb diet. That didn't work out. Lol. I love carbs. But here is the good news, I have lost about 26lbs. I have been working a lot harder, and it seems like its paying off. Anywho, I went and had a hystersonogram and everything came back good. No blockage, or anything like that. I started Provera, and then went on to take 150mg of Clomid for 5 days. Well, obviously that didn't work. When I went in for my follicle check, my dominant follicle was one at 10mm. It should of been at 20 by that time. So, we abandoned ship so to speak, because the lady at the front desk said our insurance wouldn't cover anything else. It was a terrible month, but as it turns out our insurance does cover the ultrasounds, so hooray!!! Is that enough to make a long story short?

And fast forward. I am currently on the last day of Provera, and should have AF by Sunday. Then the real fun begins. I will be taking 250mgs!!!!! Oh dear. This is not going to be good for anyone involved. I become a raving lunatic on 150. I am a little scared of this cycle but if it works, I will get a positive pregnancy test by Dec 22. How exciting would that be? What an awesome Christmas present. That would be perfect. But we all know things don't go down as they should in my world, but here's hoping.

Onto other things, Gaby had her second little of puppies on November 13th. They are just beautiful. She had them all by herself, we weren't even home. She had 2 boys and 2 girls. They are growing so fast, and have already doubled in size. The are scheduled for their first shots on January 8th. :)

Hmmm, what else is going on in my life? Well, my house is the cleanest its been since our wedding, and I am sooo happy about that. We put our tree and Christmas lights up, and we are so proud of ourselves. Lol. We were the first people on the street to put ours up, and the day after 2 people followed. We don't really know any of our neighbors. We pretty much keep to ourselves, and they are always giving us rude stares. So, hahahaha.

I have fallen in love with the redone Great Value brand at Walmart. Especially the tortilla chips and salsa. Its been saving us a ton of money on groceries.

Well, I think that is all for now. My new goal is to make a post after every doctors appointment. Let's see how this goes.

Confession of an Adult Drama Queen.

Maybe I am just crazy. Lol. What a way to start something out, right? Well, I am now all done with the pills, but the worst of the side effects seems to just now be arriving. OH MY GOD, the hot flashes. They are just ridiculous.

Anyways, I so badly want to write a productive blog. I just don't feel very productive. Hmmm. Can anyone actually follow my incoherent rambling??? I don't really know what to say right now, I just know I want to say something. See what I mean. I keep getting side tracked because it is sooooo damn hot in here! Its getting hot in here. Lol.

Well, we told our parents finally that we were TTC. I liked some reactions better than others. Actually, I like them all but one. Bill and Angie. Jonathan's dad and stepmom. How more insincere can you get. If you don't care, then say you don't care. Good God. It just seemed so unimportant to them. Everyone else seems to be very supportive. I appreciate that a whole lot.

Alright, I am out for now. I am going to go lay in front of a fan. I'll try this again later.

Emotional Mess.

Long time, no see. Lol. I suppose so. Lets see, the last post was about my new doctor. Let's update that first. I am getting close to a period. I haven't had one since, I don't know. May 10th I think. And it seems like Provera Periods are oh-so-extreme. :( I'm like a ticking time bomb, and I know it. I yell, and cry, a scream, and just feel sucky all the time. But I gotta keep my head in the game. So if my calculations are correct, I will take my very last clomid on my birthday. In my opinion, best present ever.

Now, you may wonder "last clomid?" Yes. It turns out my little job at Speedway, oh yeah I work at Speedway now, was a blessing in disguise. I was working 3rd shift when a woman came in, and we began chatting. To make a very long story short, she has PCOS and a very beautiful baby girl. She recommended me to her doctor. Dr. Thomas Burwinkel. I looked him up, and I was astounded. I went to a doctor rating website. He had a 4.9 out of 5 stars. I called and made an appt. August 18th, 2009. The girl told me everything this man did for her, and I was reading all the things he did for others. I think this might be it folks. Really. The receptionist there said they very rarely have anyone leave there unhappy. When I told her I was taking clomid and it wasn't working, she said the doctor probably wouldn't even mess with it anymore then. She said he would probably move to iui (artificial insemination.) So, wish me luck!!! This could be it.



I know this could be much longer, but current cranky mood says otherwise. I'll try to keep everyone in the loop.

Do you see what I see?

It took me awhile to actually post this, because I wasn't sure how to say how I feel about it. But, anyways, here it goes. I went with Jonthan to a doctors appt last Thursday, and asked if they had got my ultrasound report back. The nurse told me she would go check, and come back. About a minute later she popped her head in, and say that it was normal. I thought that was pretty odd because I was still having a lot of pains that seemed to be getting worse. Then the doctor came in to the room, and mind you this was Jonathan's appt. She came in and said hi to us both, and asked me how I was doing. I said I was okay but I was still having pain, so I might be back next week. (They were closed on Friday) I told her I was confused because the nurse told me it was normal, and then she preceeded to say..."Oh no. You have a tiny cyst on your left ovary. Come in next week and we can talk about it." !!!! Are you kidding me? I knew it was only a matter of time before I got cysts because how long can you really get away with not having cysts and have PCOS. Lol. But really? Tell me over a weekend so I have all weekend to think about it? Ugh. Well I just thought I would post a small update before going to the doctors tomorrow. Hope everyone had a good 4th!

Lets play catch up.

As I am sitting here writing this, my first thought is "My mother-in-law is going to read this, isn't she?" Lol. Well, here is a shout out to you Tiana, I love you very much. I am so blessed to have you as a mother-in-law, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Now that thats been said, let me fill everyone in on the last 12 months. After my dear husband abruptly calling off our July 12th wedding on June 6th, I was pretty sure I was going to die. Thank god that didn't take long. By then end of June we were well on our way to being back together, and by the middle of July had decided to get married on August 30th. And stopped "preventing" by then end of July. Then 10days after our "thrown-together-best-night-of-my-life-backyard wedding I got what looked like a very faint positive. I showed it to my sister in law, and she litterally jumped for joy. I tried so hard to not get caught up in it, because I knew that for a solid 9 or 10 months in 2007 we weren't "preventing" anything, nor did we prevent anything for the first 6 months of our relationship. Lol. So I just decided to let her get happy, and I would sort of just try and be hopeful. Her and I talked about it, and decided to show my older sister-in-law, and she was equally excited. We compared it to her old test, and decided it might actually be positive. The after all that excitement was over we ran over to Tiana's. Let me just get this out as it may be important in other posts. I love that woman to death, but she scares the hell out of me. Brittney thought it would be fun to just show her the test, and not tell her it was mine. After her reaction I thought she might have a heart attack. Brittney was then like "Don't worry, its not mine. It's Emmi's" Alright, I will admit she looked just as shocked, and I thought I might die on the spot. I told her I wasn't really sure, and to not jump to conclusions. Everyone said wait a week and test again. Agreed. Well, 7 days later I got a negative. My heart was broken and I was so let down. I said "NO MORE! I AM DONE!!!" Well, if you know me then you know I am never done.

September 30th: let the temperature taking begin.
Let me just tell you, if that damn basal thermometer was alive I might kill it as if it were a deadly spider. After 2.5 months of taking my temp and it showing nothing Jonathan and I decided to call in the reinforcements. Hellllooooooooooooooooooo doctor, and this is where it gets serious. Jonathan had to get a semen analysis done before my doctor would let me take Clomid. OMG. I was mortified. How in the world would I tell him? How would he react? What if he just says no? I sat in my living room with my 2 best friends and Jonathan's cousin Chris (I'm sure he will come up more) trying to come up with the best way to break the news to him. I decided to just hand him the paper with the order written on it. So finally he gets home from work. He asks what the doctor said and I said I need to talk to you. I handed him the paper scared to death. He read it for a minute and said "Okay, so I have to go get tested. That's fine. When is the appt?" Really? Wow, I have a fantastic husband.

Alright, fast forward to January. I am starting my very first round of fertility drugs. And I am given a very long list of orders. Take these pills day blah blah blah. Call and schedule an ultrasound and bloodwork for this day, and we will call you at the end of the day to tell you what to do next. Let's cut this short. I took the pills, and about killed my husband the day of his birthday party. I didn't handle the horomones gracefully, to say the least. I do my ultrasound and bloodwork. Then I get that call. Oh my god that call. It didn't work. That's it? Really? I cried. I cried for what felt like forever. Then I decided, I just cannot do this. Simply put, I can't. I'm not strong enough. It hurts too much. I just can't. Well, I promptly went back to the Dr. and said put me on birth control. I'm done! I just want to have periods, I just want to feel normal. I'll just tell myself I am on the birth control because we don't want a baby anymore.

LOL. 2 months later. It is now May, and we have talked and decided we are ready yet again. Let's be real here. The entire 2 months I was on birth control I looked at Babies R' Us. I walked through the baby portion of every store. I browsed online for bedding. I am never going to give up on this. I want it too much. And I might get discouraged, and get knocked down. But I always always get back up. I really have an obsession with this. It probably isn't healthy, and I didn't realize how much I talk about it until Chris (see there he is again) asked me one day when I was going back on Clomid. This kid is 16! I bet he could tell you everything about what I am going though. It's nuts. Anyways, I spent the better part of May looking for a new doctor.


I made an appointment with Dr. Katherine Linn for July 6th. I have no idea what is in store for me and my husband. But we are walking in with an open mind, and hopeful thoughts.

1 year, PCOS, and Puppies

I decided it was time to share my story, and I how my husband and I our coping with infertility. My husband I were married on August 30th, 2008. We began trying to get pregnant a month prior to that. We took a break in September, and then became serious about it in October. I have a lot of people ask "Why so early? You are both so young." (We are both 21 as of right now. I will be 22 in a month and a half.) Well, I have had a gut feeling for a long time telling me, this might take a while. It's been almost a year now. I didn't really think it would take this long, and it only seems like it might take longer. I can't begin to describe to you how it feels to want something so bad, and know you may never have it. It hurts, almost everyday. And its confusing. Its like a pull and tug of emotions. I have friends and family all around me with babies, or that are pregnant. A year later it only gotten more difficult to smile at them. Its like you want to be happy for them. They tell you the infamous words "I'm pregnant" and you just sort of follow that up with a fake smile and a soft creaky "That's great." Then you run off to the bathroom to try and fight the tears back long enough to show your support. And you know the second you leave it will just be the ever so familiar "windows rolled down, radio up, cryfest" you are just far to accustomed to. And I'm not saying I am not happy for my friends and family. I love my niece and nephew so much, and I love how happy they make their mommies. That is what hurts so much. The guilt. You feel bad for being jealous.

Now, whats causing all the problems you ask? A funny little things called PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome. I don't want to drag this out with lots of little medical details. I will just say that it has made my ovaries hard, and hormones a mess, and my body 60lbs more than it used to be. I have been known to go and entire year without a period. I know, it sounds great. Really though, it just makes you feel terrible. If you want to know more about it go to Soul Cysters.

Now, onto the beautiful little creatures that sort of curb my desire for a baby. My husband and I have the most beautful dogs. I know all you mommies wonder how could a dog replace a child. I love my dogs more than anything, and just looking at them warms my heart. I have 3 of them. Aeris, she is a rottwieler boxer mix. She is huge and such a baby. And then we have 2 yorkies, Gaby and TJ. In April they had their first litter of puppies. It was one of the most rewarding night of my life to help birth those puppies. To help bring them into the world was truely amazing.

I hope you can all follow me and my husband on this journey. I want to share what we go though in our second year of trying to concieve. I have an appt with a new OBGYN on July 6th. I will keep this blog as updated as possible. :)

Until next time,
Emmi