Emotional Mess.

Long time, no see. Lol. I suppose so. Lets see, the last post was about my new doctor. Let's update that first. I am getting close to a period. I haven't had one since, I don't know. May 10th I think. And it seems like Provera Periods are oh-so-extreme. :( I'm like a ticking time bomb, and I know it. I yell, and cry, a scream, and just feel sucky all the time. But I gotta keep my head in the game. So if my calculations are correct, I will take my very last clomid on my birthday. In my opinion, best present ever.

Now, you may wonder "last clomid?" Yes. It turns out my little job at Speedway, oh yeah I work at Speedway now, was a blessing in disguise. I was working 3rd shift when a woman came in, and we began chatting. To make a very long story short, she has PCOS and a very beautiful baby girl. She recommended me to her doctor. Dr. Thomas Burwinkel. I looked him up, and I was astounded. I went to a doctor rating website. He had a 4.9 out of 5 stars. I called and made an appt. August 18th, 2009. The girl told me everything this man did for her, and I was reading all the things he did for others. I think this might be it folks. Really. The receptionist there said they very rarely have anyone leave there unhappy. When I told her I was taking clomid and it wasn't working, she said the doctor probably wouldn't even mess with it anymore then. She said he would probably move to iui (artificial insemination.) So, wish me luck!!! This could be it.



I know this could be much longer, but current cranky mood says otherwise. I'll try to keep everyone in the loop.

Do you see what I see?

It took me awhile to actually post this, because I wasn't sure how to say how I feel about it. But, anyways, here it goes. I went with Jonthan to a doctors appt last Thursday, and asked if they had got my ultrasound report back. The nurse told me she would go check, and come back. About a minute later she popped her head in, and say that it was normal. I thought that was pretty odd because I was still having a lot of pains that seemed to be getting worse. Then the doctor came in to the room, and mind you this was Jonathan's appt. She came in and said hi to us both, and asked me how I was doing. I said I was okay but I was still having pain, so I might be back next week. (They were closed on Friday) I told her I was confused because the nurse told me it was normal, and then she preceeded to say..."Oh no. You have a tiny cyst on your left ovary. Come in next week and we can talk about it." !!!! Are you kidding me? I knew it was only a matter of time before I got cysts because how long can you really get away with not having cysts and have PCOS. Lol. But really? Tell me over a weekend so I have all weekend to think about it? Ugh. Well I just thought I would post a small update before going to the doctors tomorrow. Hope everyone had a good 4th!

Lets play catch up.

As I am sitting here writing this, my first thought is "My mother-in-law is going to read this, isn't she?" Lol. Well, here is a shout out to you Tiana, I love you very much. I am so blessed to have you as a mother-in-law, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Now that thats been said, let me fill everyone in on the last 12 months. After my dear husband abruptly calling off our July 12th wedding on June 6th, I was pretty sure I was going to die. Thank god that didn't take long. By then end of June we were well on our way to being back together, and by the middle of July had decided to get married on August 30th. And stopped "preventing" by then end of July. Then 10days after our "thrown-together-best-night-of-my-life-backyard wedding I got what looked like a very faint positive. I showed it to my sister in law, and she litterally jumped for joy. I tried so hard to not get caught up in it, because I knew that for a solid 9 or 10 months in 2007 we weren't "preventing" anything, nor did we prevent anything for the first 6 months of our relationship. Lol. So I just decided to let her get happy, and I would sort of just try and be hopeful. Her and I talked about it, and decided to show my older sister-in-law, and she was equally excited. We compared it to her old test, and decided it might actually be positive. The after all that excitement was over we ran over to Tiana's. Let me just get this out as it may be important in other posts. I love that woman to death, but she scares the hell out of me. Brittney thought it would be fun to just show her the test, and not tell her it was mine. After her reaction I thought she might have a heart attack. Brittney was then like "Don't worry, its not mine. It's Emmi's" Alright, I will admit she looked just as shocked, and I thought I might die on the spot. I told her I wasn't really sure, and to not jump to conclusions. Everyone said wait a week and test again. Agreed. Well, 7 days later I got a negative. My heart was broken and I was so let down. I said "NO MORE! I AM DONE!!!" Well, if you know me then you know I am never done.

September 30th: let the temperature taking begin.
Let me just tell you, if that damn basal thermometer was alive I might kill it as if it were a deadly spider. After 2.5 months of taking my temp and it showing nothing Jonathan and I decided to call in the reinforcements. Hellllooooooooooooooooooo doctor, and this is where it gets serious. Jonathan had to get a semen analysis done before my doctor would let me take Clomid. OMG. I was mortified. How in the world would I tell him? How would he react? What if he just says no? I sat in my living room with my 2 best friends and Jonathan's cousin Chris (I'm sure he will come up more) trying to come up with the best way to break the news to him. I decided to just hand him the paper with the order written on it. So finally he gets home from work. He asks what the doctor said and I said I need to talk to you. I handed him the paper scared to death. He read it for a minute and said "Okay, so I have to go get tested. That's fine. When is the appt?" Really? Wow, I have a fantastic husband.

Alright, fast forward to January. I am starting my very first round of fertility drugs. And I am given a very long list of orders. Take these pills day blah blah blah. Call and schedule an ultrasound and bloodwork for this day, and we will call you at the end of the day to tell you what to do next. Let's cut this short. I took the pills, and about killed my husband the day of his birthday party. I didn't handle the horomones gracefully, to say the least. I do my ultrasound and bloodwork. Then I get that call. Oh my god that call. It didn't work. That's it? Really? I cried. I cried for what felt like forever. Then I decided, I just cannot do this. Simply put, I can't. I'm not strong enough. It hurts too much. I just can't. Well, I promptly went back to the Dr. and said put me on birth control. I'm done! I just want to have periods, I just want to feel normal. I'll just tell myself I am on the birth control because we don't want a baby anymore.

LOL. 2 months later. It is now May, and we have talked and decided we are ready yet again. Let's be real here. The entire 2 months I was on birth control I looked at Babies R' Us. I walked through the baby portion of every store. I browsed online for bedding. I am never going to give up on this. I want it too much. And I might get discouraged, and get knocked down. But I always always get back up. I really have an obsession with this. It probably isn't healthy, and I didn't realize how much I talk about it until Chris (see there he is again) asked me one day when I was going back on Clomid. This kid is 16! I bet he could tell you everything about what I am going though. It's nuts. Anyways, I spent the better part of May looking for a new doctor.


I made an appointment with Dr. Katherine Linn for July 6th. I have no idea what is in store for me and my husband. But we are walking in with an open mind, and hopeful thoughts.